I mentioned a couple weekends ago I had attended a widows retreat sponsored by Starlight Ministries. One of the speakers was author Miriam Neff, a widow herself. Her ministry www.widowconnection.com. is committed to “helping widows in time of need.” Her website is full of helpful articles and stories. I would like to share one such article I found especially helpful for those of you who wonder how to help us widows.
7 Tips to Help a Widow by Miriam Neff:
- Please do stay connected. There is already a huge hole in our universe. Do not assume we need ‘space’ to grieve.
- Please do say you are sorry for our lose. We would rather you tell us you do not know what to say than to tell us your story of loosing your friend or even close relative. We may be able to listen to your story later, but not now. Do not tell us you understand.
- Do call and ask specifically, “Can we go for a walk together? May I run errands for you? Meet you for coffee?” Don’t say, “Call me if you need anything.”
- Do refer to our husband’s acts or words – serious or humorous. Do not leave our husbands out of the conversation.
- Invite us to anything. We may decline but will appreciate being asked. Do not assume we no longer want to participate in couple events. ( I would add, do not make decisions for us. Let us decide if we want to attend a function or not.)
- Do accept that we are where we are. Marriages are brief, long, healthy, dysfunctional, intense, remote. Death comes suddenly or in tiny increments over years. Again our experiences are so different, as we are. So is our journey through grief. Do not assume we go through the outlined grief process ‘by the book.’
- Walk the talk. Do not make ‘conversation only’ offers. “We’ll call you and will go out for dinner.” – and then not follow up. Yes, we are sensitive in our grieving, but we’d rather hear you say, “I’ve been thinking about you”, than make a ‘conversation only’ offer.
Hopefully the above article is helpful. In talking with my other widow friends, we all agree Miriam is right on!
I am also going to post this on my “Grief Tips” page. It’s time I start developing this section. So, stay tuned for more helpful posts from me and my other widow friends!
On the journey,
Trish