Tips to Help a Widow

I mentioned a couple weekends ago I had attended a widows retreat sponsored by Starlight Ministries.  One of the speakers was author Miriam Neff, a widow herself.  Her ministry www.widowconnection.com. is committed to “helping widows in time of need.”  Her website is full of helpful articles and stories.  I would like to share one such article I found especially helpful for those of you who wonder how to help us widows.

7 Tips to Help a Widow by Miriam Neff:

  1.  Please do stay connected.  There is already a huge hole in our universe.  Do not assume we need ‘space’ to grieve.
  2. Please do say you are sorry for our lose.  We would rather you tell us you do not know what to say than to tell us your story of loosing your friend or even close relative.  We may be able to listen to your story later, but not now.  Do not tell us you understand.
  3. Do call and ask specifically, “Can we go for a walk together?  May I run errands for you?  Meet you for coffee?”  Don’t say, “Call me if you need anything.”
  4. Do refer to our husband’s acts or words – serious or humorous.  Do not leave our husbands out of the conversation.
  5. Invite us to anything.  We may decline but will appreciate being asked.  Do not assume we no longer want to participate in couple events.  ( I would add, do not make decisions for us.  Let us decide if we want to attend a function or not.)
  6. Do accept that we are where we are.  Marriages are brief, long, healthy, dysfunctional, intense, remote.  Death comes suddenly or in tiny increments over years.  Again our experiences are so different, as we are.  So is our journey through grief.  Do not assume we go through the outlined grief process ‘by the book.’
  7. Walk the talk.  Do not make ‘conversation only’ offers.  “We’ll call you and will go out for dinner.” – and then not follow up.  Yes, we are sensitive in our grieving, but we’d rather hear you say, “I’ve been thinking about you”, than make a ‘conversation only’ offer.

Hopefully the above article is helpful.  In talking with my other widow friends, we all agree Miriam is right on!

I am also going to post this on my “Grief Tips” page.  It’s time I start developing this section.  So, stay tuned for more helpful posts from me and my other widow friends!

On the journey,

Trish

A Wandering Widow

Four years ago today I became a widow.  I never dreamed that when I said “I do” 36 years ago to Neal that this would be my situation today.   But here is where God has me and so I move forward.  After Neal died I was the only younger widow I knew.  Since then God has placed 5 other widows in my path closer to my age.  So, we wander through life together.  Oh the adventures we have!  I just finished another week of wandering, this time in the Pigeon Forge/Smokey Mountains area with one of my newer widow friends.  What a beautiful area with all the mountains.  Our condo was off the beaten path, set on the edge of the Smokey Mountains.

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Mr friend, Joyce, and I enjoyed the arts and crafts trail in Gatlinburg, visiting working artisan shops.  Lunch at a quaint tea room was a yummy treat.  And of course, what is a trip to the hill country without buying a pair of cowboy boots!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A couple of the days we hiked some trails at the Smokey Mountain National Park.  Some of the paths were wide and easy to walk along.  I didn’t have to keep my eyes on the path and could enjoy the scenery.

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Other times, the paths were rocky or full of tree roots making it difficult to take my eyes off the path.  Every so often I had to pause to look around so I wouldn’t miss the beauty along the way.

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When life is easy we look around and things look great.  It’s easy to see the blessings.  But when difficulties come we focus on our circumstance.  If we don’t pause and look around we will miss the blessings and there are always blessings to be found.  Sometimes we have to look a little harder to find them!

At the Sate Park there are signs marking the different hikes.  Joyce and I would look at the map and try to determine which ones would match our ability and time.  Without knowing exactly what the trail was like, we had to take a guess which one to try.

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Even though most of the trails were marked we still didn’t  know what was up ahead or what to expect.  Once in a while an unmarked trail would appear off to the side.

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Some of the trails we could definitely tell were closed because the Park had signs stating  the condition or there was a road block.  Occasionally, there would be a large boulder blocking a dangerous section helping to keep you on the trail.

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So it is with life, we don’t know what is up ahead.  If we could know, I’m not sure I would want to know!  “Trish, in 2008 an employee will embezzle from the dental office.  Then in 2009 you will have breast cancer followed by your husband in 2010 having non-hodgkins lymphoma.  But his treatment won’t work so you will spend much time at The University of Chicago while Neal receives a stem cell transplant.  But hold on because that won’t be successful and he will die…….”

The the journey of life takes us many different directions.  It would be great if life was easy but we all know that doesn’t happen.  Your story is filled with ups and downs.  Andy Rooney, CBS News person    best known from “60 Minutes”, said, “Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.”  Those mountain top experiences encourage us but the valleys, the low hard times mature us.

Life goes on.  I say that my widow friends and I “wander.”   To wander means to move or go to different places without having a particular purpose  or direction; to follow a path with many turns; or to go away from a path or course.  I use the word in the sense of moving through life as an adventure taking twists and turns I would have never dreamed (like going to a dude ranch last summer?).  Except I know that God does have a particular purpose and direction in my life.  I don’t always know what that is but I trust that He is leading me on the right path.

“Show me the right path, O Lord, point out the road for. Me to follow.  Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me.  All day long I put my hope in you.”  Psalm 25:4-5

On the journey,

Trish